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Posts Tagged ‘Dreams’

While graduation does signify a certain ending, more than that it is, at the risk of sounding cliche’, the grand beginning of a new chapter in one’s life. Or at least it’s supposed to be.

I remember filling out my application for the University of Montevallo when I was a senior in high school.

Last name. First name. Middle name. Name you go by.

Hold the phone! “Name you go by?” Are they telling me I can pick any name I want to “go by?”

Now it didn’t occur to me at the time that Daddy and his twin “went by” nicknames for their middle names. Or that I had a friend named Mary Louise who “went by” “Sissy.” I’ve always been unable see the Amazon rain forest for the twig, so I was captured by the enormous possibility in those four words – name you go by.

What could I “go by?”

Svetlana. Exotic, worldly, foreign. Maybe I could be a spy and smoke clove cigarettes and watch the frilly sorority girls from behind dark glasses with scornful disdain. Where is my beret?

No one knows me there. No one.

Maeve. The artist, barefoot, aloof, wildly talented. She drinks Ouzo and dances around the fire with reckless abandon. Long skirts and paint-stained shirts.

I won’t be the new girl – everyone will be new.

Missy. Fraternity little sister, dingbat with a heart of gold. Blonde and cute, studying interior design so she can share the healing powers of pink with all of mankind or at least Macy’s.

Nope, can’t pull that off.

Dixie. Beer drinkin’, truck drivin’, football watchin’ gal who’s one of the guys. She might spit, but it would be cute and not nasty. She can gut her own fish and look good doing it.

Nah…

I stared at that blank on the application. Thought and stared. Stared and thought.

Once I graduate and go off to college, I can “go by” anything I want! I can do anything I want. I can be anything I want. No longer the new girl. The redneck. The uncool. If I just set my mind to it and work hard, the world is mine on a silver platter.

Sort of.

Some people do graduate and go on to greatness realizing that expansive new chapter of bettering themselves and helping their downtrodden brother with the help of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, all while raising hydroponic strawberries, recycling, and rescuing abandoned puppies.

Unfortunately, and back in reality, that’s not really how it works.

The rest of us start off with a head full of dreams only to realize that when you get there, no matter what you “go by,” you’re still the same person you ever were. Bad in math. Can’t afford grad school. Country when country isn’t cool.

We do, however, manage to learn -  both in the classroom and by being confronted by the real world for the first time ever. We try to better ourselves if by “better” you mean learning how to drink beer and not wind up in a pool of your own vomit. We make friends, some that last for a lifetime and some that don’t last until the end of the semester. We quote Nietzsche and Led Zeppelin and marvel at our own intelligence and wit.

We learn to get by and get along. We learn that sometimes you fail and it’s not the end of the world. We learn that everyone doesn’t like you, but many more people do. We learn that you can indeed eat Capt’n Crunch for three meals a day.

And we learn to live- passionately and ferociously – hoping for greatness but content in the now.

St. Paul’s Episcopal School
Class of 1987

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I am a dreamer.

I am prone to drifting off into my own little world of ruminations, ideas, and plans. It seems to hit me all of a sudden like, and the world around me melts away into the roaring sound of my little wheels turning over thought after thought after thought.  It is not uncommon for Husband to give me a little nudge and ask, “Where did you just go?”

Sometimes I tell him. Sometimes I don’t.

Not only do I daydream, though, I sleep dream. A lot. Vividly.

I remember the first nightmare I ever had. I was around 5 years old. The Wicked Witch of the West was chasing me through the woods near

Photo from Wikipedia

Granny’s house. I slip down on the trail slick with pine straw. I hear her evil laugh and look up to see the Witch raising an axe above her head to chop mine clean off. I roll away, jump up, and keep running only to slip, hear the laugh, look up, and roll out of the way again just in the nick of time. Over and over, until ultimately I rolled away and right off the edge of the bed, waking up when I hit the hard, wood floor. I didn’t go in the woods without looking over my shoulder for years.

As a teenager, I had different dreams. Art school. A mall within an hours drive. Neighbors. I dreamed of exchanging cutting witticisms with Dorothy Parker and the great minds of the Algonquin’s Round Table. I lived Saturday night seafood buffets at the Iron Skillet exchanging niceties with my fellow shrimp lovers. I dreamed of leaving the country far behind me and heading to Metropolis to live the glamorous city life.

I never made it to New York or even out of the State. I did make it to Birmingham, where going to the movies was not an all-day trip to town. Where you could buy a beer and drink it in public with your seafood buffet without your Sunday School teacher seeing you. Where there are neighbors, lots of them. Neighbors who walk by and wave. Neighbors with putting green lawns. Neighbors who set the apartment building on fire. Neighbors who fall out dead in the doorway. In their drawers. Hardly glamorous.

The other night, I dreamed I was at Mama and Daddy’s house out in the woods. I looked out of my bedroom window, and where there had once been a thickly forested hollow was a treeless subdivision of little, cheap houses with toothless, trashy people sitting in the doorways blankly staring out. I ran down the driveway wondering how I had missed this awful development. At the end of the driveway was a half-vacant strip mall. Across the road was another. I ran down the road past shack after dirt yard shack. I hollered at Mama that she should have just burned the woods down rather than sell out like that! What had happened to our little slice of Eden?

I ran until I woke myself up…heart beating, hot and sweaty.

Now I daydream my way through busy days of work, school, sports, and band. Long lines at the grocery store, the bank, the tag office. Crowded restaurants and crowded malls. Hours spent in standstill traffic to go the whole nine miles from home to work and back again. But my dreams have changed.

Now I dream of getting back to the woods. I want to again think it odd to hear a car driving down the road after 9 o’clock at night. I want to listen for the first whippoorwill. I want to smell the pines. I want to be free of neighbors. I want to be quiet. Rested.

Henry David Thoreau said, “I believe that there is a subtle magnetism in Nature, which, if we unconsciously yield to it, will direct us aright.” I agree that there is a magnetism to the familiar, to the woods, to home. It is about as subtle, however, as an axe to the throat.

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