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Posts Tagged ‘manners’

I am Daddy’s little girl. The first-born. The only daughter.

While everyone says I look like Mama, I am infinitely more like Daddy in temperament and personality. Daddy and I are people people. We like to talk to strangers. We like to joke. We have both been known to dance spontaneously if the right song comes on.

But what I am not is the bat-your-eyes-Daddy-buy-me-a-mink-and-a-Mercedes type of Daddy’s little girl. Not hardly.

Daddy would not stand for that.

Daddy and me

You see, Daddy didn’t buy me everything I wanted. He instilled in me the value of hard work. From mowing the lawn (all gazillion acres of it with a push mower) to scrubbing toilets, no job was too menial, no task too common for his darling daughter. As well it should have been. Daddy made sure I understood that everyone has to pitch in, no matter how laborious the task, no matter how dull, and no matter whether you just polished your nails because, as John Donne would say, I was “a part of the main” and that requires pulling your own weight.

And Daddy didn’t let me slide through school on my good looks and charm. He made sure I learned. From the first books he read to me, trailing the sentences with his finger so I could follow along, through declining nouns and conjugating verbs on past algebra and chemistry until the day I graduated from college,  Daddy always recognized my potential, even when I doubted it. Daddy made sure that I understood the value of an education, even when I was ready to quit. Daddy always encouraged me, even when I failed.

And Daddy didn’t come to my rescue every time I tried to play damsel in distress. Daddy taught me how to change my own tires, how to balance my own checkbook, how to shoot a gun. I learned how to be self-sufficient, to rely on me and only me. I learned that some hurts are too big for Daddy to make better with a band-aid and some Mercurochrome, no matter how much he might want to.  Daddy does, however, kill roaches and snakes, because that’s what daddies do – just so you don’t have to, even though you could.

And Daddy was adamant about manners. Good posture. Elbows off the table. No talking with your mouth full. Speak when spoken to. Be respectful. Why? Well, first and foremost so Brother and I didn’t act like we were raised by wolves. But also because “good manners will open doors that the best education cannot.” Clarence Thomas gets the quote, but Daddy drove it home, every day.

If Daddy had cooperated with my grand life plan, by all accounts I should be driving the coastal highway through Orange Beach in a red Mercedes convertible, with perfectly manicured nails and coiffed locks, on my way to ride my thoroughbred onto a yacht while eating caviar from a silver spoon. But I am not, thank goodness.

I am far richer than that girl. I have been given gifts which will never lose their sparkle, will never wither and fade.  That is why this Sunday, Father’s Day, I will honor Daddy and all the invaluable, intangible gifts he has given me. That is why I proudly proclaim the status of my daddy’s little girl.

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“A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners.” Mignon McLaughlin

Down here, we call it “hometraining.” You know – manners, comportment, etiquette, social graces.

I know you all are saying, “Manners schmanners. I can remember which fork to use, please and thank you, ma’am and sir, and all that.” But hometraining is so much more than knowing the difference between a shrimp fork and a pickle fork or when to wear a dinner jacket.

Hometraining teaches one how to put all who are fortunate enough to be in your company at immediate ease. Home training allows one be gracious during difficult times, convivial when the occasion is celebratory, and savvy enough to know the difference. Hometraining prevents one from hollering “AWKWARD!” when the situation is indeed so. Home training teaches one to use “one” as a pronoun.

And while it can be learned, should be learned, there are a certain few who glide through polite society with such poise and finesse that they have turned hometraining into societal artistry.

You’ve seen it. She glides into a room and it seems as though every eye swivels around to fix on her. Everything matches, every hair is in place, she always knows the exact right thing to say at the exact right time. She can discuss the latest fashion or the world record bass with equal aplomb. Her mama obviously devoted many an hour to her social development, but she also has that certain je ne sais quoi.

You’ve also heard it. “Bless her heart. She just has no hometraining.” It is an effort for the Southern lady to justify how someone can forget to send a thank you note, not balance a punch cup and a cake plate, neglect to make proper introductions, or say something coarse like “d’ya mind if I cop a squat” (the very thought of which makes me shudder). There has to be, there must be some reason to fall so far off the wagon of nicety. No one would consciously act so common, would they?

Why certainly not! It must be that she simply was never taught. Surely if she only knew better…

Or if he…Gentlemen, hometraining is not just for the ladies. you must have it too. Forget those nouveau feminist protestations and open that door, help her on with her coat, pull out her chair, walk on the street side, and guide and protect her with a touch to her back or elbow. For Pete’s sake, carry a hanky.

Please don’t attack your plate as if your food may escape back off into the wilderness. Refrain from indelicate scratching and adjusting. Try not to spit too much. Steer the conversation away from money, politics or religion. Don’t wear flip flops with your dress pants. Learn a clean joke and how to tell it. Don’t fight unless you have to.

My friends, hometraining consists of many, many things – some superficial, some not. Some things that come naturally; some that we must work really, really hard on. But all of these admonitions and are born from a common, inordinately important principle. She may not have been a Southerner, but Mrs. Emily Post gets right down to where the goats eat when it comes to etiquette.  Above all, gentlemen and ladies, take her words to heart.

“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.”

 

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I remember Granny Mac coming home from Eastern Star and saying, “I saw that Minne Lee, and she didn’t say hello, kiss my foot, ‘ner nuthin’!” Snubbed she was, snubbed! The social protocol had not been followed. She had not been acknowledged.

It was easy then to identify when one had been given the brush-off. Social etiquette was clear – in part because there were vastly fewer considerations when tiptoeing one’s way through societal folkways and mores and also because the rules were plain. You spoke politely to your friends and acquaintances. You wrote your notes. Your brought an appropriate covered dish or small gift. It was easy.

Nowadays the social guidelines are fuzzy at best and down right obscure at worst. There are an infinite number of things to consider.

Is it appropriate to send a thank you email? A thank you tweet? Maybe just a “TY” and a smiley face? Do I follow with a written note? What if I just add a few more exclamation points? It’s so tiresome to have to find a stamp.

What if your tweet or post is not replied too? Do you friends suddenly hate you? Are they ignoring you? Was it an affront not to comment on a major life event like what they had for lunch? Am I obligated to comment on everything? What if I never comment? Then I’ll be out of the feed/loop/know. Is that really all that bad?

Why was Betty’s friend request accepted and not mine? Really now…Betty? What’s wrong with me? It was probably just a glitch in the system. Maybe she meant to click on my friend/follow request and hit Betty’s by accident. Who would want to be friends with Betty anyway…her macaroni and cheese comes out of a box. Tramp.

On the proverbial flip side, am I obligated to be “friends” with more people than my just my real, live, honest-to-goodness friends? Is my boss my friend? Do I really want my boss to know all about my girls’ weekend in Destin? Or how about the creepy guy from high school/the mail room/the corner store? I don’t want to be his friend, but I don’t really want to make him mad either.

Then there are the pictures. There’s the party I wasn’t invited to but all my friends were or, conversely, I got to go to, but they didn’t! Even if I don’t post pictures, what if someone else does? Do you even always know when your picture is being taken? And why in the world did Emogene post that shot of me where I was all shiny? My God, what is she trying to do to me? I didn’t post the one of her where her bra strap was hanging out…just you wait, Emogene.

And whilst I am sure none of my dear readers are given to philandering, don’t dare be somewhere you’re not supposed to be with someone you’re not supposed to be with! You don’t have to be Brangelina nowadays to find your collective mug on the world wide web in flagrante delicto.

Births, deaths, marriage, divorce, adoption, cohabitation, break-up – happy news, sad news, no news…it’s all out there. But do you really want to find out about the death of a relative or a friend’s divorce right after reading the daily lunch specials posted by the taco truck? What if your boyfriend suddenly changes his status to “it’s complicated” when you thought you were fixing to change yours to “engaged?”

And who knew my cousin’s brother-in-law’s step-dad’s girlfriend was the leader of Republicans for Wicca? My aunt took up belly dancing? My great uncle collects dolls? Was that who I think it was on that float dressed like Carmen Miranda? Should I make mention? Ignore it? Can’t wait for Thanksgiving this year!

It really is all too much for the manners-conscious to bear. The ramifications! The slights! The provocations! Where does it all end?

Best to remember the old adage: If you can’t say something nice…stay off the internet. Oh, but you can always come sit by me.

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