If it was a snake…

I am notoriously absent-minded. I leave the lights on. I leave the oven on. I misplace things. I forget things. I’ve even been known to get out of the shower without rinsing the conditioner out of my hair. Once I left the house with only one eyebrow drawn on because I got distracted while I was putting on my makeup. Then there was the time I made a martini with vodka instead of gin, and we all know that’s pure blasphemy.

Why am I so scatter-brained? Because I’m usually lost in thought, most likely planning what I’m going to write about next!

Recently I was scrambling around the house, trying to get to work at something resembling on time. I grabbed my lunch, my carry-all bag, my purse, my keys, and my phone. At least I thought I did.

When I got to my office, I put my lunch in the fridge, poured a cup of coffee, got my laptop out, and reached in my purse for my phone. It wasn’t there! I dumped everything out of the monster purse, and still no phone. I checked my coat pockets. No phone. I went out to the car. No phone. I was just about to go home to see if I’d left it there, when I thought I’d call it in a last ditch effort to save a trip back to the house.

Back in my office, I dialed the number and lo and behold, I heard ringing behind me. I turned around, and I still heard the ringing behind me. I turned around again. Still more ringing. Then it dawned on me … my phone had been in my back pocket the whole time.

Naturally that experience got me thinking about southern idioms for folks who constantly have their heads in the clouds like me. Here they are:

That poor fool’s mind was scattered from here to east Jesus.

She couldn’t find her butt with both hands.

It was as plain as day.

It’s as plain as the nose on your face.

He’s blind in one eye and can’t see out of the other.

If it was a snake, it would’ve bit you.

And in my case, old Mr. No-shoulders would have bitten me squarely on the ass!