All the things you’re not supposed to say

Southerners won’t hesitate for a minute to comment on someone’s appearance. Yes, we know it’s rude. That’s why we’ll spare your feelings by talking about you behind your back. You know how it goes — if you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me.

I know. I know. It’s terrible. It’s bad. Probably a sin.

But before you get all high and mighty, you know these thoughts have crossed your mind once or twice. Whether it’s a whisper behind the church bulletin to your BFF or an eye roll while you’re in the checkout line at the Pig, we’re all guilty. So let’s quit pretending and get it all out in the open.

Here are a dozen idioms for things you’re not supposed to say about someone:

1. He looks like he was beat with the ugly stick.
2. He looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
3. He was so ugly his mama had to tie a pork chop around his neck just so the dog would play with him.
4. She looks like she was rode hard and put up wet.
5. When she walks, her ass looks like two pigs fighting in a sack.
6. He’s as poor as a snake.
7. He’s so ugly he’d make a freight train take a dirt road.
8. He’s so short he has to hold up a sign that says “Don’t spit. Can’t swim.”
9. Her teeth are so bad she could eat corn off the cob through a picket fence.
10. She looks like 9 miles of bad road.
11. Her pants were so tight you could see her religion.
12. Her dress is so tight she looks like a mattress stuffed in a condom.

Make that a baker’s dozen:

13. If I had a dog as ugly as you, I’d shave his ass and make him walk backwards.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, we can all go back to being polite. At least to your face.